Knives down!
Episode won: "The Phantom Lettuce" (or "Attack of the Cloves")
"Top Chef: Las Vegas" guest judge and star of the "Star Wars" saga, Natalie Portman or, as she will be referred to here, Senator Padme Amidala put the "cheftestants" through their paces. For some, it was a stellar episode. Others, unfortunately, had a bad feeling about all of this.
But first, back at the beginning or the episode "prequel," if you will Italian chef extraordinaire Paul Bartolotta dropped by Top Chef HQ at the M Resort to serve up a Quickfire Challenge.
Foreshadowing the episode's second chapter, the Quickfire boasted a pop-culture theme as chefs were charged with giving classic TV dinners the gourmet treatment.
Knives were drawn, each labeled with the title of an iconic TV show: "The Sopranos" made Kevin Gillespie an offer he couldn't refuse; Eli Kirshtein set sail for "Gilligan's Island;" Jennifer Carroll readied for a yabba-dabba-do time with "The Flintstones"; Robin Leventhal hoped for a sunny day on "Sesame Street" (I'm sure Big Bird would like her); Mike Voltaggio said "Cheers!"; Mike Isabella picked the show about nothing, "Seinfeld;" and Bryan Voltaggio enlisted for "M.A.S.H."
As the contestants toiled over hot stoves, I had to wonder if any of them had ever enjoyed the plastic and shrink-wrapped wonder that is a television dinner. You know the chicken nuggets with the four kernels of corn and the faux-chocolate desert that reaches Earth's inner-core temperatures, melts its way through the tray, and threatens to attack the dog? Fish sticks? Anyone?
The idea was to implement and provide homage to such meals, wasn't it? Chicken roulade with garlic cream seems a stretch. (We're talking to you, Jennifer Carroll.) And I don't know that I've ever happened upon a shrimp TV dinner in the freezer section, let alone "Macadamia nut shrimp," Eli.
Carroll and Leventhal's dishes were ultimately singled out as lacking by Bartolotta (while the Italian master chastised Mike Isabella for having never seen an episode of "Seinfeld").
The two chefs I thought came closest to the target were also Bartolotta's favorites Gillespie with his meatballs and polenta dish and Bryan Voltaggio with his homecoming meal of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and a hoity-toity spin on "Mom's apple pie."
Ultimately, Gillespie took the crown, slightly edging out Bryan Voltaggio's double-"mmm" effort. Host Padma Lakshmi explained that a version of Gillespie's winning meal would be incorporated in Schwann's new Top Chef frozen foods line.
"Do I get my picture on the box?" joked Gillespie, quickly becoming my second-favorite contestant for his unflappable jovial attitude.
But, back to the future, now, and the Elimination Challenge as the chefs are given run of Tom Colicchio's Craftsteak Restaurant at the MGM Grand. "For one evening, Tom's menu is yours," Lakshmi explains. Each chef will be responsible for creating a dish to serve four judges and seven additional guests.
"We were given free reign to do whatever we want to do," says Gillespie. Of course, given free reign at a steakhouse, the chefs start shoveling through meat like it's "Night of the Living Dead."
Blinded by the raw allure of protein, cuts of beef, lamb and even lobster are tossed and thrown in a veritable frenzy throughout the Craftsteak kitchen, until head judge Colicchio interrupts the madness with the announcement of a special guest.
"Padma and I have a special guest in town," he says, as though the trio in question were old college buddies. Instead, Mrs. Vader er, Natalie Portman slinks out from behind the curtain and swiftly declares herself a vegetarian.
A vegetarian?!!!
My mouth dropped as did the mouths of every chef in the kitchen. What a mind-blowing twist, making that "Bruce Willis is a ghost" moment of "The Sixth Sense" look like a sad, desperate also-ran.
Everyone starts rethinking their dishes immediately, returning to the kitchen with a newfound bloodlust for veggies. Most ridiculous moment: Kirshtein and Carroll flipping for eggplant. ("Flipping for Eggplant." Hmm. If this "Top Chef" thing doesn't work out, Bravo I think you may have a new show.)
Mike Isabella's not worried. He has more than 60 dishes on his menu back home in Washington, D.C., and nearly half are vegetarian. Plus, his mom was a vegan. (What is it with the Mikes on this show?)
Gillespie sets out to replicate the full satisfaction provided by meat with kale, turnips and mushrooms.
As scallops stew and asparagus aspires to be something more throughout the kitchen, Bryan Voltaggio becomes concerned. "I think I let the time go on this challenge ... For the first time in this contest, I think I might be on the bottom."
Finally, it's time to seek council with the former Queen of Naboo.
Some bad marks surround Leventhal's dish, who ran out of time resulting in the incompletion of three plates. Portman does offer some light praise, "I loved looking at it." Additional shortcomings are found with Carroll's meal compared to a "collection of sides," a common and unwelcome occurrence for vegetarians while Mike Isabella's whole roasted leeks, which he had hoped would lend a protein-like substance to the proceedings, are deemed "rare."
Mike Voltaggio's asparagus salad and banana polenta proves an unorthodox hit, which he had foreseen: "I think Natalie Portman will walk away saying, I don't know why I liked that, but I did."
And, she did. "It makes me smile and laugh and I'm confused," she says.
Judge Gail Simmons concurs. "Mike is turning it all upside down a little bit."
That's what we call a Jedi mind trick.
But it's Bryan Voltaggio's dish of artichoke bangoule that results in the evening's oddest, bawdiest, conversation between Lakshmi and Portman, in which confit of shallot becomes a bizarre euphemism. A conversation that shall not be reprinted here. That's what TiVo is for.
Things turn to the dark side for Leventhal, Isabella and Carroll who are invited to the judge's table least-favorably. Leventhal's dish was all over the map, says Colicchio, while Carroll's performance is notably starting to suffer.
"We've seen this before," Colicchio tells his other judges. "At this point in the show, psychologically, they start falling apart."
However, it's Isabella who finds himself floating home. His dish just wasn't up to snuff. Plus, he forgot, or flat-out ignored, the immortal words of one Han Solo. "Don't get cocky."
Gillespie, Mike Voltaggio and Eli Kirshtein are welcomed to the winner's circle for their across-the-board excellence.
Gillespie saves the day, though, for his "inventiveness and cohesive flavor," says Portman.
"I didn't miss meat at all," says Colicchio. (In other words, "Great shot, kid. That was one in a million.")
Mike Voltaggio is not happy with Gillespie's victory. "I could've made that dish in 20 minutes," he criticizes. Begging one question: Why didn't you?
Gillespie is awarded a suite of GE Appliances and moves ever closer to that title of "Top Chef."
Two wins in one day. The force is strong with this one.
Next up: Episode 11, "Strip Around the World," airing at 10 p.m., Nov. 11 on Bravo.