At-home stigma fades for fathers
"You tend to hear the phrase Mr. Mom' a lot," Knight, 35, said, noting that often the only reference about stay-at-home fathers is comedic.
But Knight thinks this notion is changing and believes men in their 30s or younger are fine caring for their children.
"If my wife has a job that makes more money, why would it be off the table?" Knight said.
Indeed, the number of stay-at-home fathers is increasing, says Brian Reid, founder of RebelDad.com, a Web site based in Champaign, Ill., that compiles and posts news about stay-at-home fathers.
Reid said that although the U.S. Census Bureau statistics can be "terribly misleading," due to inconsistent data collection, the numbers "give a general sense of the trend" more men are becoming the primary caregivers for their children.
"Of course, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that at-home fathers, or involved fathers more generally, are on the rise," Reid said in an e-mail to The Gazette, "From the number of fathers on the playground with their toddlers on Tuesday mornings to the number of dads in the PTA."
For Chris Walker, 35, of Frederick, the decision to stay home with his son came down to finances. He was between jobs at the time Alex was born two years ago, and his wife had "a good job with pay and benefits." Walker enjoys the day-to-day "exploring the world" with his son and said that the experience has shown "a nurturing side to me that I never knew was there."
Despite this, when asked what he tells people if they inquire about his job, he pauses.
"If people ask me what I do, I would say restaurant manager," Walker said, referring to a job he does three days per week. Walker speculates that perhaps he hasn't come around to telling people he is a stay-at-home father out of some "male pride." He still thinks it is important to contribute to the family income.
Eric Besch of Frederick, an at-home dad with four children ages 5 to 11, says there is a "certain identity with what you do as a factor of who you are."
But after staying home with his children since his first child was young, he has no trouble telling others "I stay at home with the kids."
In the beginning, he used to tell people he was in the Army or that he was a non-practicing lawyer. Now, he acknowledges his status as an at-home dad. It is a lifestyle choice for him and his family.
Since he had a more flexible career than his wife did, "it made sense" for him to be the primary caregiver.
"The challenge for fathers has a lot to do with society's preconceived notions about who should be home with children," said Mike Stilwell, leader of DC Metro Dads, a resource and support group for at-home fathers with chapters in Maryland, Virginia and the District. He has been a stay-at-home father with his three children for 14 years.
Years ago, he heard many "war stories" from fellow at-home dads about being excluded from mothers' groups, or worse, having police called to address a strange man playing with kids in the park in the middle of the week.
Not so anymore, he said. When it comes to saying out loud that you are the primary caregiver for children, Stilwell said, "I always encourage dads to be honest and upfront. It's important for the children to hear that, so they understand that this is something you decided as a family. Raising children is not gender specific."
Besch agreed, and added that whoever spends the most time with the children can begin to anticipate and identify their needs.
"There's an expectation that moms are naturally great caregivers, but dads, not so much," Besch said.
Reid said sometimes at-home dads get more credit than stay-at-home mothers.
"Dads tend to get fawned over for doing what moms have always done," he said.
Both Walker and Knight say their greatest challenge as stay-at-home fathers has nothing to do with gender. For Walker, organizing schedules with his wife is difficult. For Knight, not having other family living close by to help out is a challenge, but says this is "probably pretty common" for any parent.
And what advice would they give to fellow dads embarking on a stay-at-home career? Both feel it is important to maintain balance.
"Make sure you have something to do for yourself," Walker said.
Knight is using the time at home with his son to write and produce music in hopes of making a career of it when his son goes to school.
"Having that balance, a creative outlet, has helped with the transition," he said.
Reid's advice to fathers is to commit fully to the idea.
"Throw yourself into the gig," he said. "Once you really accept that your job is to guide and shape and share the world for a child, you end up having a blast."
-RebelDad.com: compiles and posts news about at-home fathers
-DCMetroDads.com: support group with chapters in Maryland, Virginia and the District
-FrederickDads.com: online community for dads in Frederick, Montgomery, Washington and northwestern Carroll counties
-AtHomeDadConvention.com: 14th annual At-Home Dad's Convention scheduled for Oct. 10 in Omaha