More News

In some ways, Alison Buckholtz, her husband, Scott and their two children are like many other families. On Friday, Buckholtz surveyed her two children, Ethan and Esther, as they careened around the driveway of her parent's Potomac home on scooters. Ethan, 6, is will begin first grade at Beverly Farms Elementary School in the fall, while Esther, an active 4-year-old with freckles, a mop of curls and a toothy grin, will start pre-Kindergarten.

But in many ways, the family endures struggles that most American families will never have to. Scott is an active duty U.S. Navy pilot and Buckholtz and the children are often apart from him for long stretches of time. On Friday, Buckholtz's husband remained in Washington state finishing up his tour as commanding officer of a squadron at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island.

The children were still jet-lagged from their cross-country flight from the Pacific Northwest. But for them, change is a way of life. "I think he's OK with the idea of home being in two places," Buckholtz said, watching Ethan.

The family is transitioning back from several years living near the naval base to their home in Potomac, just down the street from Buckholtz's parents' house, in preparation for Scott's next deployment. His training for a 12-month deployment begins in June, and the tour will send him to Baghdad.

The children spent the first few years of their life here, and still maintain friends in the neighborhood. Her parents just down the road will be an added support. "It takes a village around here," said Buckholtz's mother Marjorie, as she prepared to give the children a lesson in quilt making Friday.

Buckholtz hasn't yet told the children about their father's next deployment, which will be even longer than his last seven-month stint on an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf from 2007-2008 during which Buckholtz lived with the children in Washington state. That experience is the backdrop of her recent book, entitled "Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War."

Like first lady Michelle Obama, who has placed an increased spotlight on the struggles of military families in recent months, Buckholtz hopes to educate the public about the sacrifices of not only service members, but their families as well.

She said she wrote the book for "the person she used to be" —before she married, she worked as a communications director at a national nonprofit association in Washington, D.C., and had never known anyone in the military. "It seemed like they were good-natured robots," Buckholtz said. "I had a lot of assumptions about military families that were shattered after I married."

It was the close-knit nature of the community of military wives near the Washington base who helped support her through her husband's deployment, and the experience debunked her previous assumptions that military wives weren't well-educated or ambitious. "What I found was the exact opposite," she said. "Military spouses were amongst the most worldly and educated people I had ever met."

Even with the added support of the military community there, the move to Washington in August 2006 was still a jarring one for the family. Their new home was bought site unseen, and the first stop from the airport was to a car dealership to buy a new car. The children, who were 3 years old and 15 months at the time, were left confused and upset by the move.

"They thought it was temporary," Buckholtz said. "They kept asking me when they could go back home. It was torture." When her husband deployed, Buckholtz said her son showed many signs typical of deployment-related distress in children — he became angry and lethargic, and began displaying behaviors of a younger child. "Instead of walking around thinking we were a family of four with a missing family member, we became a family of three," Buckholtz said, though they kept in close communication with her husband. "Once we got on with our lives as a family of three, it was our way of answering the impossible question of ‘How do you get through this?'"

This next deployment will be different, Buckholtz said. Unlike in Washington, most people she interacts with will not be going through the same experience. But part of the reason for writing the book, she said, is to inform those who may not know what life is like as a military spouse. She hopes her insider-turned-outsider perspective — what she calls her "close-up with camouflage"— will help bridge that gap.

Buckholtz also wants to debunk the idea for military families that "silence equals loyalty" and encourage them to tell their stories. "Military spouses are often seen, but not heard," Buckholtz said. "I hope to open the curtain a bit."

For more information about "Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War," visit www.standingbybook.com. Buckholtz will read from the book at 7 p.m. April 17 at the Borders Books & Music in White Flint Mall, 11301 Rockville Pike. She will also read at 6 p.m. April 18 at Politics & Prose Bookstore, 5015 Connecticut Avenue N.W., Washington.