White males rule?

Looks like it. Through pure, blind luck white males are positioned to pick the next Democratic nominee. Why? Because, this year, we’ve been turned into political spectators ineligible for the presidency itself. So, when the only choices are a woman and a black man, both the women and the blacks have polarized leaving us dispossessed white males as king (or queen)-makers. Well, well, well. How the worm turns.

Consider our new exalted status. We’ve evolved from ‘‘Angry White Males” to ‘‘NASCAR dads” to ‘‘the Critical Swing Constituency.” Suddenly party leaders care about us, feel our pain, worry about our concerns. Great, but before our fleeting moment of importance disappears, let’s play this thing for all it’s worth. After all, it may be generations before they let us out of the woodshed again.

First, let’s make it clear to Hillary and Barack that their running mates be white males of our choosing. Not girly-men like John Edwards or Alan Alda, but real WMs like, say, Chuck Norris. That’s the kind of guy we want a heartbeat away from the presidency.

And let’s talk about the party platform. Women and blacks adroitly leveraged their political clout to rewrite the laws on abortion, rape, the death penalty, affirmative action, voting rights for ex-felons and so on. Now it’s our turn for legislative changes important to white males.

For instance, how about some WM national holidays? Super Bowl Sunday and Fathers Day already fall on weekends, so how about the NCAA ‘‘March Madness” final (always a Monday) or the last game of the World Series? Or John Wayne’s birthday? And while we’re at it, aren’t we long overdue for ‘‘White Male History Month” and a Congressional White Caucus?

But those are symbolic, feel-good gestures. White males need to change the laws that affect their everyday lives. First, some relief from oppressive, overregulated hunting and fishing bag limits and license fees. Second, it’s time to get real about drunk driving. Current sobriety tests discriminate against us who have above-average capacities and tolerances. A white male who blows anything below 5 percent and who can stand up while reciting his name is OK to drive, trust me.

Also, many states are moving toward enacting ‘‘Don’s Law,” white male-sponsored legislation modeled on ‘‘three strikes and you’re out” criminal statutes. Under ‘‘Don’s Law” (named for Don Imus), white males are permitted two lifetime racial or gender slurs before losing their jobs. If necessary, we’ll amend in women and blacks but they already have license for unlimited slurs.

It’s also time to honor white male victimhood by creating a less hostile, more welcoming environment. First, discontinue the exclusion of white males when naming schools and public buildings. White males make great role models so what’s wrong with ‘‘Butkus Middle School” or ‘‘BWI-Rambo” Airport? And stop removing those statues of Gen. Robert E. Lee, Justice Roger Taney and slave-owning presidents. Instead, ask yourself why isn’t there a statue of Dale Earnhardt, George Patton or Larry Bird on the Mall?

And let’s finally open the doors to sectors where, due to historic discrimination, white males are vastly underrepresented. For instance, how do you explain the paucity of white professional basketball players? Why isn’t the NBA setting race-based goals and conducting white outreach programs? One corrective measure, white players’ field goals count 3 points instead of 2.

Likewise, how do we explain to young white boys their exclusion from women’s sports? Title IX should be a two-way street because, for many white male athletes, inter-gender competition is their only chance for achievement and self-esteem.

If Hillary and Barack want the white male vote they’d better adjust their campaign styles. When’s the last time you saw either of them shaking hands or making important policy speeches at a barbeque cook-off or a tractor pull? And how come we never see their TV ads on ‘‘C.O.P.S,” the golf channel or bass fishing shows? And stop it with the Oprah, Streisand and rock star endorsements. Want to impress old, white guys? OK, who has the backing of Tony Bennett, Merle Haggard or Ed McMahon?

Barack Obama is starting to get it. This week, in his racial reconciliation speech he threw us this sop, ‘‘Most working and middle class white Americans don’t feel that they have been particularly privileged by their race ... as far as they are concerned no one handed them anything. They built it from scratch ... so when they are told to bus their children to a school across town; when they hear that an African-American is getting an advantage in landing a good job or a spot in a good college ... when they’re told that their fears about crime in urban neighborhoods are somehow prejudiced, resentment builds over time.”

Cool. But if I said that it would be a hate crime.

Blair Lee is CEO of the Lee Development Group in Silver Spring.