Create bonds by sticking together, celebrating differences
Dana Slevin credits the bond shared by her children – 9-year-old twins Anne and Emily, 7-year-old Veronica, and 18-month-old Zachary – in part to having flexible parents who "run a tight ship."
That seeming dichotomy means that the children have strict bedtimes, for example – but when the norm isn't working, mom and dad mix things up.
"We just want to be with little V," one of them said. So, at 2 a.m., Slevin moved two toddler beds into Veronica's nursery. It was a tight fit, she says, but it worked. The girls fell sound asleep – and they kept the arrangement for months.
Recently, dad Geoff asked Veronica why she gets along so well with her sisters and little brother. Veronica shrugged her narrow shoulders. "It's because we're used to each other," she said.
Parenting philosophies easily get lost in the daily craziness, but the following simple tips can help foster a strong, lasting bond among siblings.
- Awaiting a new baby? Involve the older siblings now – and later, too. When pregnant with her third child, Heather Murray, a teacher at Parkway Elementary, and her husband excitedly told the older two.
"We also prepared them by explaining how they were older and would need to teach her and take care of her," Murray says. "Now they both do just that. They pitched in to assist with potty training, and each of them have their own special bond with her."
- Encourage older sibling to help younger ones with new skills, suggests Sharon Boettinger, supervisor of counseling and student support services for Frederick County Public Schools.
They might read together or practice tying shoes. One might even help the other master a new language, as in the case of the Woodall-Goldsberry family of Frederick. Sisters Ylena, 9, and Liana, 6, are both Russian natives, but were adopted individually by parents Jim Goldsberry and Jenny Woodall. Ylena was 5 when Liana joined the family at age 3 1/2. Ylena "needed to be the big sister," Woodall says. "She was the alpha. And Liana really needed the modeling." Although she and Jim definitely worked with Liana to learn English, Woodall says, Ylena deserves the credit for teaching her.
- Always praise and reward siblings when they reach out to one another or are particularly helpful, Boettinger advises. Remember "how parents set the tone and set the scene for children," she said.
- Recognize and celebrate children's individualities. The Nestor family of Frederick goes most places together, but they take turns being spectators.
Derek, 11, has the lead in his school's play, for example, and his mom, Colleen, and siblings, Dominic, 8, and Corinne, 5, attend his practices.
Dominic recently played in a championship basketball game, coached by dad, Matt, while Derek, Corinne and Colleen cheered from the sidelines.
"We've always made everything a family thing," Colleen says, including grocery shopping. "It's crazy, but we're all in the same vehicle, doing it together."
- When they're old enough, encourage siblings to spend time together, away from parents.
But remember that a strong sibling bond can sometimes lead to mischief, too.